'The Kite Runner' and 'Crime and Punishment'

In the novel The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini, the main character or protagonist is a young Pashtun boy named Amir. Amir must overcome many boundaries of varying difficulties and types, for example mental, physical and emotional, for example he must flee to America, leaving his wealth and becoming very poor.

In the novel Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky, the protagonist is a Russian man by the name of Rodion Romanovitch Raskolnikov, more commonly referred to as either Raskolnikov or Rodenka, Raskolnikov faces many boundaries himself, mentally for example, his curious trait of doing something then immediately wishing he hadn’t but he does not go back and undo it, for example he leaves some money on a friend’s windowsill, immediately regrets it because he desperately needs money, but does not go back to reclaim it.

“He will come in that day and He will ask: ‘Where is the daughter who gave herself for her cross, consumptive step-mother and for the little children of another? Where is the daughter who had pity upon the filthy drunkard, her earthly father, undismayed by his beastliness?’ And He will say, ‘Come to Me….Thy sins which are many are forgiven thee, for thou has loved much….” This is spoken by a drunken clerk, Marmeladov, on whose windowsill Raskolnikov places the money. It refers to the fact that he has squandered all his money on alcohol and his 17 year old daughter, Sonia, has been forced into prostitution to support the family. It actually has no corresponding statement with The Kite Runner, but I felt that I could ignore this due to the sentiment with which the statement is spoken, that of self loathing, which Amir feels after he has betrayed Hassan’s trust in The Kite Runner.




In The Kite Runner, Assef picks on both Amir and Hassan because they are smaller and younger than he is. He feels that he is superior genetically to Hassan, as he is a Pashtun and Hassan is a Hazara, a minority group in Afghanistan that is often discriminated against by the ruling Pashtuns. This is the reason that he gives for treating Hassan so badly and for raping him, his exact words are “It’s just a Hazara”. These are spoken just before the rape as he is trying to get his two henchmen Wali and Kamal to join him. A possible reason for trying to get them to join in is that he feels he will only be partly to blame, so saving what conscience he has, though he exhibits none in any case.

In Crime And Punishment, Raskolnikov feels it is perfectly acceptable to kill the pawnbroker because he has heard other students at the university he attends discuss it, their reasoning being that all the pawnbroker, Alyona Ivanovna, has done is bad deeds, so killing her is morally the right thing to do. Furthermore, Raskolnikov feels that he is intellectually and morally superior to other criminals, though he does not identify himself as one, because of a thing he calls a ”disease of will”. He defines this as a loss of all reason following the act of a crime being committed on the part of the criminal. He feels that he is immune to this phenomenon due to him seeing himself as having the moral high ground. This belief in his own abilities is much like Assef as he sees himself as being better than others, as Assef so obviously does. In the end Assef is blinded in one eye, proving that he is not as good as he sees himself, Raskolnikov sees himself as better but becomes so affected by the murder that he faints upon hearing it mentioned at the police station, so obviously he is affected by what he calls the “disease of will”.

In The Kite Runner, Amir is wracked with guilt over his betrayal of Hassan, when he finally tries to fix everything, to make things right again, he goes back to Afghanistan, only to discover that Hassan is dead. Nearing the end of the novel he does however, discover Hassan’s son, Sohrab, who Amir takes back to America so that he can look after him and so that Amir and his wife Soraya could have a child to raise, as Soraya has “Unexplained infertility”. The novel closes with Sohrab and Amir flying kites together, but now with Amir as the kite runner, where it was Hassan when they were children.

In Crime And Punishment, Raskolnikov feels a degree of guilt from immediately after the murder. This is exhibited in various ways such as collapsing when he hears the murder discussed at the police station and nervousness when being interviewed by the police inspector Porfiry Petrovich. Raskolnikov confesses to Sonia that he murdered the pawnbroker and she offers him her Cypress Cross as a symbol of redemption and forgiveness but he refuses it. The novel concludes with Raskolnikov finally accepting Sonia’s cross and heading into the police station to confess to the murders, with Sonia following him, as she promises to do, reflecting the process of dealing with guilt that Amir endures throughout practically the entire novel

Two other characters stand out as being particularly similar in the novels. These are the adult Assef and Svidrigailov, from Crime And Punishment. As we know from having read The Kite Runner, Assef is not averse to raping a boy, this is not due to a homosexual tendency but of an addiction to power, common to many who hold more power, through strength or wealth, than others in society. Assef’s mind is warped, going so far as a to rape a child at 14 years of age, this and other examples show us clearly that Assef is mentally disturbed and unstable, possibly an undiagnosed mental disease.

However improbable it may seem, Svidrigailov is a considerably more interesting man, as well as being significantly more psychotic and sadistic, though that would hardy seem feasible. Svidrigailov is the man that Raskolnikov originally wanted to be, a man who had no issues with murder, who had no moral troubles, but also a man prone to random acts of kindness, for example saving the drunken clerk Marmeladov’s children, though Assef does not show that last factor. Svidrigailov chuckles and says to Raskolnikov “I like all children. I like them very much”. This is a reference to his disturbing sexual preferences, he is over 40 and mentions to Raskolnikov that he is getting married soon to a 16 year old girl.




Another connection between Assef and Svidrigailov is that they both have a twisted sort of honour. In The Kite Runner, before the fight between Assef and Amir, Assef tells his Taliban guards not to interfere and to let Amir go if he wins, when the guards question this, he yells at them. This shows that Assef has his own form of honour and that he respects people who can beat him.

Svidrigailov also has his own form of honour, though it is applied to himself only. Raskolnikov is to be exiled to Siberia for the murder if he turns himself in, he decides to do so, Sonia declares that she will go with him, Svidrigailov gives her the money for the train trip. This is the final scene containing Svidrigailov because shortly after this he dreams a perverse, sexual dream involving a 5 year old girl. When he wakes up his honour comes into play, he realizes how perverted he is and resolves to commit suicide, which he does shortly afterward.

Eternity or Infinity ?

walk
away
fear
me
and
live
stare
at
me
with
feverish
eyes
inflamed
tremble
while
you
bleed
remember
that
you
have
no
power
beyond
me
I
am
stronger
than
you
I
am
much
bigger
so
flee
in
your
childish
screams
and
beneath
cloaks
with
shivers
that
crack
your
spine
I
am
powerful
I
am
not
scared
of
you...

...Death
be
gone...

You
are
not
wanted
here...

Wishing you were here

These walls seem to stand so tall,
When I'm in this room.
And I feel a million miles away,
From where you are.
And, love, I'm longing for your touch.
But I know I'll have to wait,
'cause you're a million miles away.
From my room window, and oh,
I'm wishing you were here.
I'm wishing you were here.

'cause I'm needing your arms around my waist,
And I'm missing your breath upon my neck.
I want your lips upon mine,
I want to feel you near me now.

'cause I'm needing your arms around my waist,
And I'm missing your breath upon my neck.
I want your lips upon mine,
I want to feel you near me now.

But I'm lying awake at night,
Hugging my pillow, waiting for you to call.
I just need your sweet voice in my ear.
Tell me you love me,
Tell me you want me home.
'cause I miss you, darling.
And I got nothing else to do, but oh,
I'm wishing you were here.
I'm wishing you were here.

'cause I'm needing your arms around my waist,
And I'm missing your breath upon my neck.
I want your lips upon mine,
I want to feel you near me now.

'cause I'm needing your arms around my waist,
And I'm missing your breath upon my neck.
I want your lips upon mine,
I want to feel you near me now.

And holding your photo makes me wanna cry,
'cause all I want is you
With me in this room now.
But you're a million miles away,
From my hotel window.
And I'm gazing at the sky,
Looking at the stars,
And I'm wishing on them,
I'm wishing you were here.
I'm wishing you were here.
I'm wishing you were here.

God is dead

The principal flaw in our design is our confusion regarding several vital concepts, the understanding of which is integral to our success or failure as a species. We often confuse conjecture with knowledge, and tend to equate this “knowledge” with power. We like to think of ourselves as individuals, capable of our forming our own opinions of the world around us and able to differentiate truth and trickery easily enough, but theorists influence us more than most would care to admit; the truth, of course, is that we are only capable of something to which we earnestly apply ourselves.


With the advent of our modern society, we’ve come to depend on technology more than each other, as we once did: we seem to have forgotten that, were every man for himself in the days of our swinging from trees and picking gnats from each other’s backs, we would never have come this far. These days, we’re so entranced by all of our neat gadgets that we’ve forgotten how to cope without them; the pace of our lives is such that, were there still a patch of green to speak of, in the industrialized world we’ve created, we would summarily put it out of our minds to take our noses from the grindstone for a while and smell the roses while we can.


Once in a blue moon, someone comes to this very conclusion. Once he does, one of several things may happen: it’s possible that he will shut it from his mind, content to spend the rest of his life ignorant of anything outside of the monotony of his daily routine (or equally afraid of what others will think of him); if the offending thoughts persist and he feels the need to let the cat out of the bag, he will soon discover that most of us don’t care to abandon those things to which we’ve become well accustomed. Despite the disastrous consequences of our excess, it offers a certain measure of security that we don’t seem to be able to find elsewhere in our lives. So, what if your girlfriend dumps you? Drink your sorrow away. Your weight is beginning to bother you? Sit in front of the tube with a bit of Ben & Jerry’s, and chances are, things won’t seem quite so bad. Quite frequently, the possibilities are limited only by our imagination. Thus, it is plain to see that it is our inclination to destroy ourselves in search of a magical solution to our problems that prevents us from stopping long enough to think about what’s really happening to us, and reassess our strategy. Essentially, we’re more concerned with the greenness of our lawns than with what goes on inside each of our houses.


There are doubtless those that think that, if a man likes to drink, so be it; if someone’s road to happiness is paved with M&M’s, we oughtn’t interfere with the way that he chooses to live out his life: it’s none of our business, they say; It’s a free country. Without a doubt, freedom is a nice idea, but freedom without discipline, knowledge without wisdom and thought without action (as well as action without thought) are some of the deadliest weapons of all. The trouble is, even if this were a concern, freedom is a hard thing to take away.


Freedom is, unfortunately, so deeply entrenched in our consciousness that people are willing to sacrifice their lives in pursuit of it: with this in mind, it’s hard to be optimistic about our future. Instead of thinking about the state of the world in another hundred years or so, we tell ourselves to “live in the moment” (expand your mind, man!) and try to find meaning in meaningless things.


Bertrand Russell was definitely on the right track, when he suggested that “many people would rather die than think”: quite apart from physical death, we lose a bit of ourselves, when we avoid voicing our opinions for fear of the ire of misguided bureaucrats; when we’ve lost confidence in our own ability to change the course of the world, there’s little to do save stock the bomb-shelter and batten the hatches.


All of this has certainly been said before, but has anything changed? If all we do is complain about the way things are—rather than put some thought into feasible solutions to our problems—it never will. I hate to disappoint, but there ain’t no magic potion to save us from the mess we’ve made.

Zarathustra Through a Madman's eye . . . .

In Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Nietzsche is provoking man so that the beliefs and opinions holding him captive are challenged and thus allowing him the opportunity to renew himself. Nietzsche is writing what is considered very controversial material so as to cause man to begin to think through his own beliefs, thoughts and life. The provoking of the mind forces man to react in one of two ways: either he reacts with anger and becomes defensive or he will continue reading and thinking through his life, seeing how Nietzsche’s philosophy works in his life. I believe that Nietzsche’s technique of provoking and then renewing of man is to create a better human being. Providing man with opposition to his beliefs, Nietzsche challenges man to think through what he holds dear to himself.
To provoke people, Nietzsche attacks their beliefs and education and how those things effect how they live their lives. In the section, on the land of education, Nietzsche writes about how man has been formed by past events without actually thinking through what he is doing:
“With the characters of the past written all over you, and these characters in turn painted over with new characters: thus have you concealed yourselves perfectly from all interpreters of characters” (231)

What Nietzsche is describing here is how man is replicated from generation to generation without renewing himself. Man has used copies of great men of the past and placed them over himself. He has become a replication of what used to be. For man has thought that since an earlier man was once considered great now all he must do is act just be like that earlier man, so he goes out and copies the behavior of that past hero. Contemporary man can pick and choose who he wishes to be like. This thought process is very closed, the opposite of open and thoughtful. Man lives his life studying examples, or shadows of another man’s greatness. Nietzsche sees modern man closing his mind, closing out possibilities of what he could actually become in his life. Instead of striving for personal greatness that he could develop in himself, instead man chooses to devote his life to emulating the acts of other past men. This has caused the destruction of thought and has compromised education. For all educators do now is teach the ways of one or two men from the past and how they were great, not how the men living now could be great. From this man has kept his true self hidden from other men. He is unable to live a life flowing from his own thought, actions and ingenuity. The individual has died and has been replaced with replicas from the past.
Nietzsche goes further to say how man no longer understands what greatness, which past men strived for, actually is. Instead modern man wishes for the fast, quick and easy version of life instead of working through things themselves. Man is much like an actor who can change himself from one day to the next. Today man is a creature of masks:
“Little do the people comprehend the great –that is, the creating. But they have a mind for all showmen and actors of great things… The actor has spirit but little conscience of the spirit. Always he has faith in that with which he inspires the most faith-faith in himself. Tomorrow he has a new faith, and the day after tomorrow a newer one” (163-164)

Here Nietzsche speaks of man’s fundamental lack of knowledge and understanding of his own mind. Man no longer is able to comprehend what it is to be great. As Nietzsche said earlier, man has become an actor that is no more than a replication of the past. He goes on to show how even the ideals and characteristics that man has inherited from the past men have been lost. Man no longer understands what is so great about living a meaningful life and the important ideas that were once a part of it. Instead man lives like showmen and actors, for their lives are to mimic the character and actions of great men. An actor is someone who one day can portray one person and yet the very next portray someone entirely different. Actors have no foundation or reality for their lives. An actor’s job is to portray someone else, not themselves. Their job is based off of what has happened or of something that has been done. The actor uses his spirit in order to portray these great things. The problem is they have no understanding of the width or depth of this greatness. They live their lives duplicating over and over great things, yet never truly understand what they are demonstrating. Nietzsche shows how man recognizes and has a mind for the great things that actors do. Actors do portray past great things at times, but it is only a portrayal and there is no reality as the very next day they will “live” a different part. The actors are no different then what man has become.
What Nietzsche has demonstrated here is how all men no longer understand what greatness is, that men have lost knowledge of the greatness of these men from the past, and yet they wish to be like them. Man has lost all understanding of what greatness actually is; instead he is drawn to what is portrayed by the actors, which is acting great. Instead of man wondering what is being acted out, of asking himself who he really is, of actually thinking about his life, man has become reliant on observing the acting out of past greatness without the meaning or understanding of the greatness.
Nietzsche thus far has been demonstrating how man has lost meaning and is unable to think for himself. Rather than correcting this Nietzsche’s strategy is to provoke man into reacting. Throughout Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Nietzsche is constantly attempting to challenge all men into thinking about their lives and what they truly believe in. Nietzsche knows that not all men will follow this. Nietzsche accepts this and even titles the book accordingly: “Thus Spoke Zarathustra: A book for all and none.” What he means is that this book is meant for all men and yet, at the same time, it cannot be for all because men cannot think, for themselves. His mission is to get people to thin, yet he knows not all men will think though life. Therefore only a certain number of people accept the book. Another time, even more provoking then the previous, is when Nietzsche speaks of what the Christian God is: “God is a conjecture; but I desire that your conjectures should not reach beyond your creative will. Could you create a god? Then do not speak to me of any gods. But you could well create the overman.” (197) Rather than just accepting that God is real, Nietzsche begins to ask questions and makes statements that cause man to truly think about what he believes. Why should man only create something that he only imagines? Why not create something that is real and tangible? Nietzsche proposes that what man believes in must have meaning and some sort of obtainable goal in it. Christianity has become a religion that requires people accept what a pastor says or deny things just because they are unable to achieve them. Nietzsche finds that Christianity has become a poor excuse for how a man lives his life. Instead of showing proof or demonstrating the way things should work, Christianity has only been used to shield man’s minds and prevent him from truly thinking.
Another example of where Nietzsche uses provocation is with women. Throughout the book Nietzsche will describe women as a cow or insult them in varying ways. One example of this is in the speech on little old and young women:
“In a real man a child is hidden- and wants to play. Go to it, women, discover the child in man! Let woman be a plaything, pure and fine, like a gem, irradiated by the virtues of a world that has not yet arrived. Let the radiance of a star shine though your love! Let your hope be: may I give birth to the overman!” (178)

There is only one reason why Nietzsche would say something like this and it was to provoke a reaction. A man who speaks respectfully of individual thought, micromanaging, in each person’s life, this man would not insult women like this. Instead he wants to provoke women. Who would tell all women to go and discover what men truly are and then tell them to be a plaything for men? Nietzsche, apart from actually showing the importance of women and showing how women are essential to the overman, is getting women to, more importantly, stand up and be recognized in the world. Nietzsche once again appears to be insulting women, criticizing their actions, only to get them to respond. Women in Nietzsche’s time could not vote and had little voice in the manner in which things were done. What he is doing here is saying exactly that, but he is saying it in such a derogatory manner that he is forcing a reaction from them.
Nietzsche throughout the whole work insults or tests the patience of all the people in the world. The poor, the weak, the strong, the men in power, all women.; everyone in one way or another who is reading this book has some part of them that says, “NO! I do not like this and I refute it!” or they respond with, “Hmmm, maybe something is there, let’s press on.” These are the two common responses to Nietzsche. Either people absolutely oppose him no matter what is going on in their life, or instead they begin to wonder, question, and ask to themselves what is going inside me. Why am I feeling this uncomfortable feeling? Nietzsche is writing a book for the individual who will into his own life and see what it is that he is doing. Nietzsche is attempting to get our attention and decides to do this by getting everyone upset and provide something different than the standard was of looking at life as accepted by tradition. His book is to challenge man to look into himself, to see what he has in his life and to see what needs to change to become better. Provoking man is what gets him to realize what he has, what he knows and believes, then comes the renewal of the man.
Nietzsche has gone on provoking man and causing him to react in favor of renewing himself or choosing not to. For those who do not wish to renew will remain the same and have gotten nothing from Nietzsche. Next he demonstrates how man can renew himself and release himself from the chains of total acceptance:
“I do not like the plains, and it seems I cannot sit still for long. And whatever may yet come to me as destiny and experience will include some wandering and mountain climbing: in the end, one experiences only oneself.” (264)

Now that man has been provoked and wishes to renew himself Nietzsche explains how this is done. The plains are that which is easy to travel on. Flat, lonely and barren they provide nothing for man other than basic crops. The sun rises on one side of man and sets on another. The same thing occurs over and over and nothing is ever changed. Nietzsche despises the plains for those reasons. They are like what man has become, just a continual mindless being; there is no flavor or exotic life in it to challenge man.
Instead Nietzsche prefers the mountains. The mountains are a symbol of challenges and change. Varying elevation gain and decline, never knowing what exists a mile away because of the trees or what is over the next hill. There is a definite level of uncertainty here in which man is unable to know what might happen and that is the point. Rather than always understanding how things are and what is around you, like existence on the plains, the mountains offer the sense of uncertainty that causes man to challenge himself. He has to push himself to go over the next ridge, to find out what is over the next hill or around the next bend. For man, to travel in the mountains is his renewing. You cannot just walk straight along a mountain path and get to the top, instead you have to wander, wade yourself though bushes and trees. This journey is not dependent upon other men and what they say for you to do. It is up to the man by himself to make his way along the path, to move through the trees and to investigate.
Nietzsche is not telling man that he needs to go from x to get to y. Instead he is showing him this is who you are. You are the replication of past great men and yet you do not even know it. Then he wants man to ask himself if he wants to know more and to understand what this world that he lives in truly is, to understand what he believes and make up for himself what the world is. Then man needs to go and be himself. Without telling man how it is done step by step, without making it a religion that is praised and lived for by everyone, instead Nietzsche provokes man to be something to strive in his own manner. All that Nietzsche requires is that it is a journey man makes alone.
Nietzsche writes to the individual. He tries to be a provoking and renewing author, one that causes man to think. It is not a bible or a text written by the gods to be handed down as holy. Instead it is there as a text to make man think. Instead of just believing what man has been taught over and over from one generation to the next, Nietzsche says that man should at least think through his life, to come up with rational reasons for his beliefs. No longer should man use God as an excuse for why things are by saying, “God said so.” Instead by coming to an understanding of the thoughts, ideas and consequences at stake; all through thinking and understanding more about man and who he is, will eventually be able to apply it to his life thus making him stronger.
Nietzsche is not writing a book on foreign policy or how to train and send out troops across the world. People who read Nietzsche and think of it as a mass social problem solving book will not understand his purpose. Man has to read Nietzsche from an individual view one that will lead to changes in him and later in society. By thinking and then renewing oneself man has a better understand of what the world is and the problems facing it. Man, being a social creature, of course will read Nietzsche so as to implement it on the whole of society, this is wrong. Man must read Nietzsche and apply it to himself. It is through the renewing process that man is able to contend with other major problems in the world and then apply it on a larger scale.
Alvin Toffler in the book, The Third Wave, speaks of how changes in the world are leading to the testing of men’s beliefs. Toffler believes that technological advances that have occurred and the reshaping of the world into a global community have lead to both necessary and inevitable changes in the world and those changes start with the individual:
“Yet the risks of not overhauling our political institutions are even greater, and the sooner we begin, the safer we all will be. To build workable governments anew-and to carry out what may well be the most important political task of our lifetimes- we will have to strip away the accumulated clichés of the Second Wave principles (435)”

Toffler writes on how the world has changed and it is now time for the basic structures and descriptive clichés to change as well. The second wave was triggered by the industrial revolution 300 years ago by brute force and muscle as the driving forces. Man had gone into production and needed to efficiently get the most out of things as possible. He had also gone away from thought. Even as the second wave was being implemented in some parts of the world, the third wave had begun in some of the more advanced countries of the world. America is the prime example of how the transition is occurring. The third wave is not based off of industry as the second wave was based on; instead it is founded in deep social, moral, political, economic, philosophical, cultural and structural changes that will occur. Society is transitioning from a 9-5 work day, with smoke towers and assembly lines to a sleek technology driven society.
Toffler shows how old clichés and structures are being challenged by human and mental thought. He realizes that the old structure and clichés of past generations have become so permanent that they are accepted without question. Man could now wish to hold on to the past, potentially destroying parts of civilization or himself. Whereas someone who begins to think through these structures will begin to make the decisions needed about them; he can decide what he wishes to keep and what he wishes to get rid of through thought. He is the one who will define the civilization, because of his mental power or overcoming of past clichés rather than accepting without knowing.
It is from Toffler who I believe we can see how Nietzsche can be applied to the whole only after it is applied to the individual. Toffler shows how the world and time we live in is going through change in all areas. Social, cultural, economic, political changes are occurring all around us. Women and minorities are finally being allowed the same rights as were held by past generations of men. All of this has occurred in less than 100 years. Changes have also occurred in politics and the world has become a vast global economy. Throughout all of this men have been dependent on sheer force to get things using past ideas. Now there is an evolution going on in society. These changes have altered the way we live. Some people have decided not to accept these changes and instead they have hung on to past clichés and ways of living and have not reevaluated their arguments for changes in the world. They are blind to what is occurring and cannot keep up with these changes. There are other people who have seen the changes and it has made revolutionary differences in their lives. This is resulting in new ideas and revolutionary figures in history. These are the men who have overcome their lives and capitalized on the changes in society, by driving forward the change.
The men who overcome in their own lives are the men who change society. Man lives his life, learning from what is father or educator teaches him. Over time man has become so dependent on the basic facts of life, the way things have always been done, that they have gone away from understanding why they believe these things. Men have been “dumbed down” over time as nothing has been provoking them to change. Then in the course of history, events occur that either go against or is outside the tradition. These events lead to the changes in society. Men look at these events and either consider them and deny them or they begin to think them through and see how they will work out into society. This is how the overman works in society. He is the man who looks at himself and thinks through issues to see how they affect and fit into civilization. He finds through struggling through the changes what can make society better.
I agree that the overman is someone who renews himself by considering his own beliefs, challenging what he has always thought to be true and coming out with something in the end that will make man a better being. This philosophy is a method for testing what man holds true and sees if man can actually come up with reasons to prove it. The questioning by man of his thoughts has, overtime, become like an unused muscle. It has become weak and irrelevant. Nietzsche has come to exercise this muscle out, to build it up. As man begins to reuse mind like a muscles, he becomes stronger and his own thoughts and beliefs become stronger to the point where he knows and believes without ignorance. This process will not stop after one generation has come up with all the ideas in the world. I see that if the process will continue over and over by many men, then it makes the world and all men better. For having many people constantly reevaluating themselves, the issues and ideas throughout the world it will help keep all men strong.
Nietzsche’s work is there to provoke man. Either man will deny and shield himself from the attack or he will go along and think through his provoking. This process is not to be regarded or read as a holy text or scripture. Instead it is a text to get men to think about what they hold to be true and to either affirm it or deny it.

Anakin & Padme

Come lie beside me in the green grass' sweet embrace
As the stars and galaxies spiral above;
Hold my hand like a caged bird and feel the pulse
Of a reluctant, yet ardent, steady love.

Come lift my eyes to the blazing blue tapestry
Above our heads; hear the sky's siren call;
As the cliff crumbles, keep your eyes on the heights
Think not of how far we might fall.

Come touch the lace veil of this bridal gown
Cobwebs of a cursed love long doomed;
Do not heed these visions of a ghostly mourning shroud
These premonitions of my body cold and entombed.

Come share this burden we chose for ourselves
Listen not to the darkness' seductive lies;
Even as you turn from me, I pray you may read
The "I love you" in the frozen tears fleeing my eyes.

Listen? Can you hear my fragile, pleading whisper
Among the darkness' swirling symphony?
As you retreat, and powerless, I lose sight of your face
I beg you, know this, by forgotten flower and tree:

I will brand upon your lips the map you may forget
As you stumble through this maze without sight;
And I will wait in silence and dwindling hope
That someday you will wander back to the light.

happylovesong!

What has happened to me
I find myself singing
when there is no music
I feel joy when
you enter a room
I smile when
I see your face
I long for the sound
of your voice
When you take me in your arms
I blush and find myself
at a loss for words
What has happened to me?
I can't sleep
I find myself
waiting for the phone to ring
am I in love?
Does love make one feel giddy
and dance around like a fool?
yes!
I think it must be
love!
I'm in love
how simple it is
love

I Saw...I Seee...*

i saw myself seeing
i see myself looking
i saw myself staring
i see myself crying
i saw myself laughing
i see myself pleasing
i saw myself breathing
i see myself jumping
i saw myself sitting
i see myself writing
i saw myself reading
i see myself teaching
i saw myself learning
i see myself loving
i saw myself hating
i see myself failing
i saw myself passing
i see myself standing
i saw myself drinking
i see myself eating
i saw myself naked
i see myself wearing
i saw myself walking
i see myself running
i saw myself waiting
i see myself struggling
i saw myself pretending
i see myself thinking
i saw myself motivating
i see myself helping
i saw myself hurting
i see myself excited
i saw myself leading
i see myself following
i saw myself caring
i see myself cheating
i saw myself decieving
i see myself seeing

i saw myself seeing myself
i see myself caring myself
i saw myself loving myself
i see myself hurting myself
i saw myself winning myself
i see myself loosing myself
i saw myself leaving myself
i see myself helping myself
i saw myself holding myself
i see myself seeing myself

is it all?
thats all?
anything more?
waht else?
come wahtever!!
welcome whatever!!
face me!!
fight me!!

can u??
will u??
may u??
huhhhhh....
fuck u!!
fuck u!!
fuck u!!


* - :) :)

The one and the fallen one - part 3

The One : Duality is prevalent in many forms on Earth. Good, evil; right, wrong; positive, negative. But duality is more than just one or the other. That would be like saying humans are either good or bad. They each have done good or bad things, and things in between to varying degrees. Duality not only contains the two extremes, but also contains parts of either to whatever degree, thus duality is more than two opposites, it is a continuum.

As I have already stated duality is needed, in conjunction with free will, causality and karma for a multitude of layered reasons, but the one underneath them all, is to find the real you. To illustrate my point let us go off the premise that in duality only two things exist, the opposite of each other, thus duality presents two extremes, two paths, two 'decisions made', two outcomes. Free will allows a human to choose one of those paths. Causality is the relationship between your 'decision made', the cause; and the effect, the outcome from your 'decision made'. Karma brings your 'decision made' and resultant cause and effects back to you at some point in the future. Together they provide the means for spiritual evolution. Let us call this collective The Cave; and present the following contextual scenario in The Cave.

You have a choice, derived from the existence of duality; for free will can only exist in the presence of choice, and the potential to choose whatever path you want at that point. This is what makes a person accountable, and teaches responsibility. You make your choice based on a variety of factors, which shall be addressed later; create a cause, and within the subsequent flower of effect is the seed of the next cause, and so on. The effect will be positive or negative, and the subsequent cause will be positive or negative. This is the first opportunity that a person gets to learn from, for a positive cause will result in a positive effect, and similarly, a negative cause results in a negative effect. Whether the opportunity is taken or not is of course a different matter.

Further opportunities will arise as the cause and effect continue on their path. At some point in time Karma will bring back that what you gave, for the fabric of existence must balance itself. Thus Karma isn't a vengeful or a rewarding mechanism, it is merely a balancing mechanism, equal and opposite reaction to every action. So positive initial cause, positive karma; negative initial cause, negative karma. This again is an opportunity to learn, for karma teaches responsibility and makes one accountable. And if you get what you give; get what you deserve, which must be the case for you to learn, then no one else can take the results of your cause, no one else can take your karma off you, for if they did what will you learn?

And this is the function of The Cave, to teach you. Due to many reasons, some already covered, most humans are unable to recognise The Cave's purpose, which is to wake them up, make them realise who and what they really are, make them realise where they are; and it does this all by allowing people the opportunity for accountability and responsibility, due to the nature and interaction of and between positive and negative.

Positive and negative are always in a state of flux, and The Cave, due to its nature is always seeking balance. It is this seeking which creates the potential for humans to learn. The state of flux in The Cave on all levels, is to bring positive and negative events into your life dependent and proportional to 'decision made' by you as well as someone else. You create positive and negative events, you receive positive and negative events. A human on the receiving end of any positive has the chance to learn and affirm things to itself. But the potential to learn, at least in the beginning is greater in the negative.

When a negative situation arrives, it can force introspection. A person will try to balance themselves. So it learns from the act of attaining balance, as they bring forth from within what is needed. Thus duality is also needed to cause fluctuations within you. The nature of duality is to awaken people, those who choose a negative path will have negative after negative event come back to them to hopefully wake them up, become responsible and accountable. More often than not, they choose to walk the path due to suffering, to end the suffering from all the negatives, once on the path, it is a different story, but suffering is often the reason for humans to take to the path.

The Cave works not only on a personal level but on all levels. Some of them scoff at their leaders, but it was those same leaders who opened your eyes, for before them where were you? All the people that they dislike or have a strong negative emotive reaction to are doing their job, and one of those jobs is to wake you up, so you take control of yourself.

Does a happy person do a thing, or do they wallow in it? At the beginning, before they have chosen to walk the path, most happy people are not awake, thus they will wallow in it; wanting the happiness to cascade off a crescent moon, straight into their lap. But when they get to a point of suffering that forces them to look at themselves, because to put it mildly they don't like it, and don't want to be there, and so they take to the path, when they feel enough is enough.

They would not do so, if what they saw in their world did not perturb and hurt them, if it did not say to them "How do you like this? What are you going to do about it?". And it will continue, as it propels more people to ask "Do I choose to take control of myself, and be the best I can be, do I choose to be a positive in my own life and in the lives of others, or do I just sit here and let it happen?"

If you do not stand up and be what you want to see, be what you want to be, what you are meant to be, then you are part of the problem. It has been said, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing". And before a good man can do anything on the outer, he needs to be good within.

Now, if a person learns from the act of balancing, then imbalance is needed. This isn't always the case of course, but the effects of imbalance can not be denied, for at times it is the only thing that will work. From this we get:

1. Do positive thoughts bring positive experiences? To a point. As already stated The Cave will balance itself, so you will get back that what you gave. But I have just said that a person at times will only learn from a negative, so then what?

Let us use humans in the following scenario:

Positive people will attract positive people and positive events, like attracts like. This is true, if you are positive; the people you associate with on a personal level, the people you get on well with, are often at the same level of consciousness you are, and resultant interactions and thus events are obviously positive.

But positive people will also attract negative people, for the negative people will feed off the positive people, thus they will attract negative events at times as well. There is also the matter of; if a person only attracted positive events then what is a person learning, for some things can only be learnt from negative events. Some things can only be tested and shown to a person that they have work to do; that they are lacking, by a negative event. Thus positive thoughts will not negate the free will decision of a person negatively orientated, if they really want to do something, they will, and this has been shown throughout their history.

2. If negative brings a need from within to balance yourself, and thus learn, then is it really a negative, is it not a positive? If you have the chance to learn something, grow more, then is it a negative? What changes about the event itself in two different people, where one sees the chance to learn, a school, and the other sees another chain tied to the victim, a prison? Perception. That is the only thing that changes. So we get only positive, thus duality is an illusion.

It is the subjective perception of a human that defines what is positive, what is negative. It is an illusion that presents opposites, it gives the illusion that one can not exist without the other, but it is real to those who live in it, and have not seen through it. Duality is subjective and thus it is perceptional duality.

Perception is one thing, but someone trying to kill you for money to buy drugs is another, someone trying to rape you is another. Now what? Is it all still just perception? It can not be just perception, for now we have something that no amount of variation in perception can change. Positives can be gained from the negative situation, but it doesn't change the nature of the actual event. Thus we have a paradox, and this can not be........or can it? Is everything positive but perception defines subjective value, or are things to a degree subjective due to perception but the extremes are beyond subjectivity? Can the paradox exist and both be true? Let us move away from such an emotive scenario and look at fate.

Defining fate as 'something that is meant to happen'. Meant to happen; unavoidable. If this is the case, how can free will exist? Is there such a thing as free will then? Well if you were to stop listening to me at this point, then what does that say? Free will exists. Now what of fate? The unavoidable. The unavoidable will happen, not because someone has commanded it to happen, but because someone, let us say me, knows it will happen; there is a big difference between the two. It takes the responsibility from me, even though I do not have it anyway, for I have chosen to not intervene, to the entity I am talking about.

Responsibility as I have already said, can only come about if there is a choice, thus free will. But there is more; there are some things which you can never avoid for all that you do will add to give that end product, other things are dependant on you, and thus variation in the path taken to get to ones destiny, occurs proportional to whether or not you have played your part in doing that which you are meant to do, and to what degree, at whatever time. Some parts of the path to your destiny may have a slight or a big detour as you exercise free will. Some will be coloured due to free will. It can be predicted if you stay on that trajectory where you will go, and of course any small deviations as well, but veer too much off, then your trajectory has changed to lead you to a new point, but time is not rigid, it moulds itself, reshapes things, for fate is what it is. That is all free will, I have nothing to do with it, I just know what you are going to do, when you are going to do it. So your free will choices, add up to give an unavoidable fate, a fate that I haven't commanded to occur, just a fate I know that will occur.

Lucifer : Did you know that I would turn against you, that I would do all that I have done, that me and you would be here talking now?

The One : What do you think?

Lucifer : Wouldn't it have just been so much easier, and this is an understatement, to just do things differently?

The One : Easy, hard is irrelevant, your evolution is what counts.

Lucifer : Am I evolving?

The One : You are almost ready.

Lucifer : Hahahaha. Like these monkeys of yours?

The One : They each have their own journey. The will walk the path of enlightenment when they are ready to.

Lucifer : Enlightenment? HA! Is it true enlightenment if all they do is further elaborate them self? On the same path, just further down. They do not do it find their real self, to be accountable and responsible, they do it to avoid pain, avoid suffering. Even in the midst of it all, it's always about them. Miserable cretins. They are all fake. They don't ever see themselves, have no idea what they are really like. I hate them all. I hate them because they are pathetic and worthless.

They are weak, they are afraid to stand on their own, they need groups to prop each other up, all feeding off and from each other. Ego after ego, their silent words so easily read:

"You like what I do." Well let me pretend I like what you do, lets feed off each other, and together we both can't be wrong. I need your opinion, you need mine, let's make a deal but if and when you stop feeding me, I'll get rid of you.

"I admire you." No what you admire is the reflection of yourself, the traits that I have that remind you of you.

"I am there for you." No you are there as a favour, for rest assured, if I do something to hurt you, if I do something you don't like, if I go against what you want me to do, you are gone.

"I love you." No you need me because I prop up your miserable existence. The love in your eyes, is for the reflection in my eyes.

Let them all rot in their own flesh, terrorized by their splintered cells, hemispheres at loggerheads, they are not worthy to come near you. Misfiring synaptic blasts powering thoughts and emotions in a carbon sack, all wanting feeding, all scavenging, all taking and all fighting.

The One : Lucifer you know that before you fell you were my highest angel. That was because you were the final test. For any soul to come to me, they had to pass by you. As I said before, you can not tempt those who do not want to be tempted, and on that basis, you only let pass the ones who had no temptation within themselves. You still do that, but with a big difference. Before you lead them to salvation but now to destruction. And the reason for this, is due to your fall. There are two falls that exist. One is a fall into physical existence and the other is a term used to describe not knowing your true self. They often can go hand in hand, hence the overlap, but that is not a rule. You no longer know of your connection to me, of the connection to the real you. The moment you failed to see the truth, is the moment you fell from the truth, and discarded the truth at least within yourself. And if you are not the real you, you are the fake you.

The root of all evil, is self, the separate self; ego. I am not saying go out, and hug all the trees and chant I am one with everything, for separation and seeing oneself as an individual is not the problem, for there are many individuals, who do not commit any wrong doing. There are atheists who do not believe in any God, there are new agers who believe in Source, the list is long, who live no different in terms of morality. But a human can only perceive himself as either the fake them or the real them. On the one hand there is ego; self serving, illusory and fearful. Then there is the soul; eternal; it is of and from the divine, and all that entails. This is the battle within, between the real you, and the fake you, be it human or any other life form, and the degree to which this occurs is of course dependent on what stage they are at. The closer you get to me, the closer you get to your real self, the less it is, but the potential to fall is always there. Do you agree with this?

Lucifer : You are right. The potential to fall is always there, and the battle is always within between the rea.................................................................

The One : You are ready.

the one and the fallen one - part 2

God (in the 'past') : Behold I .....

Lucifer : Freeze it

God : As you wish.

Lucifer : .................. Humans; they were a mistake, you should never have created them. They are vicious and brutal.

God : Did I also make a mistake with you?

Lucifer : I turned against you, didn't I?

God : Was that my flaw or yours?

Lucifer : You made me, thus I am a manifestation of the flaw of my creator.

God : So I created you?

Lucifer : Yes.

God : Then I existed before you?

Lucifer: In the beginning there was just you; The One.

The One : And if in the beginning there was just me, then what you said before, about me needing you to exist is not true.

Lucifer : ..........You did exist without me, but what is good without evil, for one can not exist without the other.

The One : You are not on about existence but true appreciation of; and I shall come back to true appreciation. Existence; if me and you are polarised then, we can not exist without the other, yet I did exist, therefore the conclusions are obvious. I am neutral, I am good and evil, I am good or evil, or I am above good and evil. Do you agree with this?

Lucifer : Yes

The One : Now as much as you have your views about me, not even you can say I am evil, and I am not. That takes out "good and evil" and just "evil". I, as we have agreed upon, did indeed exist before you, thus I am above good and evil, for before duality, there is one, The One, me. So, that leaves only good and neutral. I am not neutral for I do not teach nothing, I teach a specific path, and we know what that path is.

Lucifer : Then you are only good, but that doesn't mean you didn't make a mistake.

The One : Before you turned against me, had I made a mistake then?

Lucifer : ........... Your mistake didn't show up then, it was not time for it to manifest.

The One : Before you turned against me, I had not made a mistake. Yet when you, of your own free will, turned against me, it became my mistake? Once again Lucifer, free will, your choice and you deny that you are responsible. But it can not be denied. Evil did not come from me, and I am only good.

Lucifer : All things came from you, therefore, evil came from good; evil came from you.

The One : Evil, came from those who have a choice, and took a negative path. And all living things have a choice, it is part of the package. If you live, you have free will. It is a misconception that beings closer to me; you can call them higher density life forms, angels, whatever you want; have no free will, for they all do. But the nearer they come to me, the more they see I am always right, and the more they see I am right, the nearer they come to me.

Lucifer : Right? What right is it where people kill each other and you do nothing? What good is it where people are raped and tortured and you do nothing? This is good?

The One : They are people on the path you advocate, so your concern about righteousness and goodness is hollow, but before I answer your question. You bring up the extremes for a reason, for you understand one mans terrorist is another's freedom fighter, and thus the subjective nature of good and evil. You also bring it up for in a case such as someone killing someone else, lets say for money to get some drugs, subjectivity withers in the glare.

Universal law is what it is, murder is wrong, plain and simple, in all cases. There can never be an exception to any law, to any rule, that is also one of the reasons I will not intervene. Once you break a law, subjectivity will come into where the line is drawn in the eyes of the self. And we have seen how subjective, subjective can be. Look at the humans who worship you, Satanists, Luciferians, there are many who worship you. Look at how they exalt you, they call you good, not a single one of them calls you evil, they call me evil, but not you, in their eyes, you are their God, and thus you can only be good.

Lucifer : That is because I advocate looking after yourself, survival of the fittest. I am Darwins God. It is the need for betterment, to better themselves that drives the pioneers forward. Through greed they propel themselves forward. Greed really is good.

God : What betterment is obtained from murder, from rape?

Lucifer : That is the question you are yet to answer.

God : Before I do. Greed is for yourself, it is a selfish thing, you don't share if you have greed. As for your question; I am divine good, not human good, not angel good, not anything but divine good. The things that happen on Earth are happening for a reason, it is the play of duality, an illusion which is needed in that realm, and it does what it does, and as I have already said, free will. It is not for me to intervene, it is for them to learn to handle how they see fit. This is how each and every one of them will learn.

A person learns from situations, interactions, relationships, free will, causality, karma, duality; learns from being alive and all that it entails. Duality is needed for them to reject or embrace, depending on their point of view, and the specific duality. Male and female reject or embrace? Self and not self reject or embrace? Good and Evil reject or embrace? Reject or embrace in and of itself is also a duality.

Lucifer : ............. Duality was a mistake to create.

The One : Did I not do anything right in your eyes Lucifer?

Lucifer : You made me.

The One : HAhahaa. I more than made you Lucifer, but you did make yourself. As for another one of my 'mistakes'; no, duality is not a mistake, it is absolutely perfect, it does what it needs to do, and it can be no better.

Lucifer : Your 'perfect' duality causes separation, division.

The One : It creates the illusion of division, nothing more or less. That is not to say down there it isn't real, for if it was not seen as real it would not serve its purpose. The illusion of division is needed.

Lucifer : This illusion you are so proud of, it has caused the death of many. And nothing has caused greater division, greater bloodshed, greater death, than religion. Look at how they all rally round their religion and commit the most heinous of crimes in history, in the name of God. Your name carries the blood of millions, and your religions the ashes of humanity. In the beginning was the word? Yes, division. Behold, your religions.

The One : My religions? They are not mine. My words are here and there, but nothing more. Gospels have come and gone, words have been changed and changed again, and so much more. When you point at religion, you are showing your own inability to see the truth, that be my word for you or not, be my word for them or not, it is man himself who has created me, and who hides behind this facade, as he pulls the strings of the puppet, the puppet they call God. I do not divide, I have no favourites, I have no chosen people, no chosen race.

All beliefs that state true love and respect are from me. Yet humans point their finger at me, for their hatred for what man does to man, for what they do to each other. Am I to blame? I give them the tools to build or destroy, and I am to blame? It is the same hand that kills that can help, and I control neither. It is not me that the religions represent, nor is it me you will find if you follow the religions of man. They say my name, and read their scriptures. They look for themselves in the words. Anything that justifies their own stance. And it will, for I am a residual presence at best in those words, a ghost.

Man has consistently removed my words and replaced them with his own. Every human in their own way, has made me an extension of them, I am moulded according to their own personal beliefs, and thus the religions of man, are for man, by man, to serve man. This has happened not just on an individual level but on all levels. Why? I am a man made god. I have his intolerance, his vengeance, his love. I am nothing more, nothing less, than his reflection. Man made me in his own image.

I know of the hatred people have for the believers of the Abrahamic religions, and the hatred they have for each other. The atheists and all non-believers of the Abrahamic religions, do you think when they speak of hatred for religion, of followers, of me, that they draw from a different well? Are the examples they exude any better than what they hate? Mankind doesn't see that each individual themselves is to blame. They will agree when they read something and say this is right, we are to blame, and carry on like normal. If it is the truth don't nod in agreement and that's it, don't sprout it like a parrot. Live it, be it.

Your responsibility is to yourself. Understand that you can not give to another what you do not have for yourself. If you lie to yourself, then what are your words of honesty to someone else worth? If you don't respect yourself, then what am I to do with your respect for me? You can't teach your children to love properly if you do not love yourself. You can't even love them properly if you do not love yourself, no matter how much you have convinced yourself otherwise.

They have no responsibility as I have said many times, and their endless pointing finger that condemns all but them, and condemnation in an ever increasing manner as they move further out from the middle of the universe; the middle being themselves. They judge each other, as the finite is blind to the infinite. Someone will do something to them, and that will be it, judgement is passed on the person. They do not see that the person maybe showing them, themselves. They do not see that they create their own life. They do not see that they are all on a journey at various stages. They are quick to judge the destination having seen a step. They are blind to the facts, that they created it, they brought it on themselves. They can not run from themselves.

The moment you point at anything, you are merely pointing at a manifestation. They do not see they could be pointing at themselves. A projection of themselves, of their shadow self. But they can't do that, so they project their negative traits onto others, and then condemn them. And as you said yourself before, they are vicious and brutal, thus you know the problem is within them, it is all within them. Religion, country, political beliefs, sand. You name it, they will draw a line in it.

Lucifer : I told you long ago that humans were flawed, they should all be eradicated. They are........

The One : Are you any different when you point the finger? When you suggest they should be eradicated. You are drawing from the same well Lucifer. When you say others should be removed for whatever reason, then others can say that about you with as much validity as you say about them.

Lucifer : .............

The One : You project onto them what you do not see in yourself. Know yourself before you attempt to know another. Know yourself, respect yourself, love yourself. As I have said they will learn, all of them will, in their own time, in their own way. Judge the actions in that moment in time, but do not condemn them forever; they all learn when it is time for them to learn. Answers come when a person is ready to understand them.

Lucifer : They should have it done to them, what they do to others.

The One : Ripples from the middle will always reflect back at some point. Karma; it is there to help them grow, gain responsibility, learn to be accountable. But they are victims, all claiming to be innocent, like in a prison. They do not see that Karma is a mechanism, it is devoid of judgment and above morality, it is merely a pendulum, push it one way, and it will come back in an equal but opposite direction. It has a delay though, for if it brought that what you gave back straight away people would learn quicker, the way it is now, is a lot harder. The time delay means people absolve themselves, nothing to do with them. It is the nature of third density existence that it is that way.

No matter what Karma brings, understand it comes from a place of true love, it is for their evolution, if they open their eyes. Causality also helps a person to learn, for causality, the effects of your action, will bring a different set of responses, based on numerous laws and the free will of others. And free will is linked to causality, for if you have no choice you have no responsibility, and if you are not responsible, you are not accountable. And none of this would work without the illusion of duality.

Lucifer : Ah, the perfection of duality?

The One : Indeed.

The One and Fallen One - part 1

God : I see you have not shed everything that I gave to you Light Bringer.

Lucifer : I am my own creation. I made myself.

God : An angel made devil?

Lucifer : If you do not intervene this can only be so.

God : You have sown the seeds of your fall and rise while making yourself.

Lucifer : Just as I made myself, so I have made my own destiny. And I shall only rise; to take it all.

God : Anybody who works at something and gets what they want, thinks they make their own destiny.

Lucifer : Can we not all claim to be self-made if you do not intervene? Is the future not our creation if you stay on the side? Do we not make our own destiny?

God : Self made. To a point. Your future created by yourself. To a point. Destiny self-made. To a point. You can only control yourself. You can only influence things in your domain. Life as an interconnected entity controls it all. But most do not realize that.

Lucifer : If they realized they were connected, they would control it all?

God : Again to a point. There are exceptions to all rules.

Lucifer - This rule is yours?

God : This rule is the way it is. I let things happen though the heavens fall, and it is not always justice that is happening.

Lucifer : Well you can thank me for that. I am bringing the heavens down. My wish. I desire it so. And you can’t stop me. I will turn these hairless monkeys against you. All of them. Let’s see how you fare in the face of humanity doing my bidding.

God : I told you there are exceptions to all rules. Everything will flow as it will up to a point. I am the exception to the rules. I am the point.

Lucifer: Come now, you don't need me to tell you about pride.

God : I speak not with pride, it is fact.

Lucifer : You lie, there is no exception. You will ignore their suffering, like you ignore their prayers.

God : I listen to all prayers.

Lucifer : Yet you answer none.

God : They come to me only in hard times, they treat me like a medicine cabinet. It is they who must answer their own prayer. They have free will but choose not to utilise it fully.

Lucifer : Free will; it will be your downfall. Why give them that?

God : Free will is something you also have or you would not have disobeyed me.

Lucifer : Would they behave this way were it not for me?

God : Free will. They will do what they want. You will do what you want. And I do what I want.

Lucifer : So me and you are what?

God : For now, let us just say we are the different paths to whatever goal they have.

Lucifer : I am the easiest way in which to get what they want. I tempt them with all that they want, and it is there if they want it.

God : You can not tempt that which can not be tempted. You can not fill where there is no hole. They can not face the truth within themselves, that they want what you offer, they want to get it in the manner you offer, yet they are afraid to look at themselves honestly and admit it, so they project it onto you, they say you tempted them, when in fact they want it, deep down. And you do not do it for them, you do it for yourself, as they do it for themselves. Come Lucifer you talk to me as if I do not know you.

Lucifer : If you knew me you would know how valuable I was to you. How much I loved you. Yet you cast me aside when I disobeyed you.

God : I never cast you aside. Your time away from me, has brought you so little, and taken so much.

Lucifer : Liar. You cast me aside. The moment I wouldn’t bow, that was it, you threw me away.

God : As you choose to believe, so let it be, for now.

Lucifer : Do not dismiss me, your hatred for me is apparent. And if you hate me so, why let me live? If you love them so, why not stop them from following me, why not stop them from the harm they do to each other? And by letting me live, and doing what I do, it is you who actually punishes them, not me.

God : They do not follow you, they follow themselves, as I said they discard their responsibility, their accountability, by saying they follow you. Free will means they follow themselves. As for I punish? Well for now let us say that I do punish. You attempt to lead them to destruction. Those who follow me are punished when they do wrong for their own good. You seek their complete entropy, but no matter, it is a fool hardy attempt.

Lucifer : I merely do my Lords bidding.

God : You do what I know you will do.

Lucifer : If you know that I am evil and you allow them to come to me, you know what will happen. You want me to lead them to destruction. Keep your own hands clean.

God : Free will Lucifer, they come to you of their own accord. They want to do what they want to do of their own accord. I want you to show them that listened to you, what you really are, and what the price is, the true price.

Lucifer : By letting me live, you are the iron fist in the fiery glove.

God : I let everything live and die of its own accord.

Lucifer : Such love, brings a tear to my eye.

God : Indeed it is beautiful.

Lucifer : What?

God : I love them, as I love me. I have given them freedom.

Lucifer : Freedom? Freedom to kill, murder, lie, cheat. What a beautiful thing indeed.

God : The acts of the finite in the illusion of the linear are what they need to learn.

Lucifer : Your fancy words hide the truth. And you keep avoiding the question. Why have you let me live?

God : You should know the answer.

Lucifer : Yes I do, but I want you to say it.

God: You do not need my confirmation. Stand up and show me what you are.

Lucifer : Very well. I am the shadow of good, the dark side of the Light. I am the foil on which your supposed glory is manifest. I may hold the whip, but by letting me live, it is you who leads them to destruction. And it is punishment, for those who follow me, not you, even of their own accord, are at my mercy, as you do nothing to help them.

God : They must learn, and will learn. Are you saying only evil punishes? When a father punishes a child that is not evil, that is the requirement of good to stand up and do what he must. But what he must do is susceptible to evil. Where is the boundary between good and evil? Does one slap too many make him evil? If he were to take joy from it would he be evil?

Lucifer : So if it is love that punishes why don’t you do it?

God : I do punish, but I do not seek their destruction. This is the difference.

Lucifer : Indeed. But, where is the boundary? Where do I end and you begin? Like I said, you need me. But you can’t let them know that. And why you can’t get rid of me? Because without me, you don’t exist. I am the one who people follow, not you. I am the one they turn to when they want something, when they need something. And for everyone who turns from you to me, I become stronger and you weaker. In the end, all shall follow me, and you, without thought and belief, will no longer exist. Lost in the annals of time.

God : Hatred fuels itself, by blinkering itself. If we are different paths, then I am on one side and you the other, for now let us just say I am the right way and you the wrong way, I know you do not have a problem with that description. You are correct you do become stronger as they follow you, but I never become weaker, and I am all. I have always been, and always shall be. Your fall has indeed been great. As I told you, you shall fall and you shall rise. Where you stand is how you will see it. You said before that I cast you aside. But I never did. You attempted to cast me aside. And then you fell, and you kept falling.

Lucifer : That’s not true. You stopped loving me and cast me aside. All because I never bowed to your creation, some pathetic clay.

God : I never asked you to bow to them. I asked you to submit to me. And you fell when you turned away from me. And then you stopped loving yourself. It was not me that stopped loving you, it was you. The more you turned away from me, from your true self, the less you loved yourself. That is what you want. More than anything. Those that love you, truly love you, will always love you. It is the nature of love. The only one who you had absolute control over to stop loving you, was yourself. And that is who does not love you.

You started deflecting things onto me, you started feeding your own pain, your own fear. The negative things coursing through you made you fall even more, and there would be greater pain, greater fear. This cycle was of your own choice. You made yourself the victim, and yet you never saw you are the perpetrator. The delay between cause and effect made you discard your own responsibilities, your own power.

You are a creator but you have forgotten how to truly create. It is the receptive who create, the female energy, but on it's own it will lead to destruction if not balanced, as the male energy has shown. It must be balanced within, and on all levels. This balance brings, creation. You are not balanced, you neither give, nor receive, you take, as an unchecked and negatively polarised entity does. Both male and female negatives, take, take what they do not give.

True love on all levels is never give and take, it is give and receive. For those who truly love can not help but give, but they must know themselves, for true love, as I have already stated, punishes for the greater good, is cruel to the blinkered mind, for the greater good. But you, you are not receptive, you do not give, you are a taker. You take what you can, to hide what you do not have. You do not have yourself, the real you.

You have turned so far away from it, that you no longer feel it, no longer hear its soft voice. And I let you, for I love you. One of the laws of true love is the right of all to free will. Their free will. Freedom. Sometimes to truly learn the lesson, to truly walk the path, you need to fall hard. But your fall has been so great that you no longer remember. I shall help you Lucifer, help you remember if you want. Would you like to remember?

Lucifer : Remember what?

God : The answer is in the act.

Lucifer : .......................Yes.

Spend it well

As he walked through the streets of his home,
he could never have imagined what happened at this very moment
A man, completely in white, gave him a coin
'Spend it well' The man said.
The odd fella in white disappeared into the crowd,
leaving the man standing there with a small coin in his hand
A few moments the man couldn't think of anything
but then, his mind filled with the possibilities this coin had
Food, drinks, drugs, everything was a trade away with this coin
But he began to think.
What if this wasn't what the man meant?
He began to think about what the man could mean.

As he walked through the streets of his home,
he couldn't think of anything to buy anymore
He began to doubt, what was this coin really worth?
The man looked at his achieved coin.
At first, the coin seemed worthless, didn't look worth anything.
No silver, no gold, it didn't even seem metal.
It was an earthen coin to him.
The man wanted to trow it away but struggled to do so.
Why would a regular man give him a worthless coin?
Was it a joke? A sick joke?
The man couldn't think of anyone willing to do that.

As he walked through the streets of his home,
He began to think about this coin a man once gave to him
He didn't remember who gave it, didn't remember how it looked
Just that he got a coin.
He knew where the coin was, deep down his pocket.
He picked it up and looked at it.
A beautiful shiny silver coin looked back
The man smiled and put the coin back, forgetting about that moment.

As he walked through the streets of his villa,
he remembered once being a joke
A drug addict, without an home.
Now, he had an home, an entire city.
He was generous, he shared with the rest.
But in the night, he would sleep alone, every night again.
He looked through his pockets for food
finding the only thing he wanted to find.
A white shiny coin looked him in the eye
and said all that he had to hear.
The man smiled and spent the coin as best as he could.
A man walking by, looking depressed.
The man stopped him and said:
'Spend it well' While he gave the coin to the other

leaving the man standing there with a small coin in his hand
A few moments the man couldn't think of anything
as he walked through the streets of his home.

ek geet hijar da . . .

I breathed her spirit in,
'Twas divine,
Her stare to mine eyes,
Rendered me blind,
She is not mine,
In this life,
Or death,
But in the next,
She, I will find.

'Cause it ain't heaven without you

When things seem down
And life is empty and cold
Don't become so hopeless
Shouldn't have to be told

That I'm always looking over your shoulder
Always know I'm on your side
Always looking over your shoulder
From me your feelings you can't hide

When it seems like all is against you
Life's taken a brutal twist
Know that I haven't left you
I don't want to be missed

'Cause I'm always looking over your shoulder
I never left your side
Always looking over your shoulder
Life is one long endless ride

I'll be there if you need me
Don't be afraid of my love
Don't allow this death to break you
I'll be watching you from above

And looking over your shoulder
Giving anything to be with you
Looking over your shoulder
'cause it ain't Heaven without you

It ain't Heaven without you.

a night of afterlife

Starring into your window,
Who's that girl crying?
Her face is too sad to know.
Is this because of my dying?
I pass through your walls.
But you pay not mind to me.
On deaf ears my voice falls,
And I know you cannot see.

I could haunt this room forever. . .

I reach to touch you,
But I know it's not right.
I'm a ghost - I know it's true -
But I need you so badly tonight.

I stand there helpless
As your sobbing continues.
"I'm sorry I did this,"
I gently whisper to you.
"I'm standing right here.
God, why won't you look at me?"
I'm screaming as I more near,
But I know you cannot see.

I could haunt this room forever. . .

The lights begin to flicker one by one.
Then moonlight is all that shines on.
You look up at me, your crying is done.
"Sweetheart, I thought that you were gone."

You wrap your arms around me.
"How is this possible?" you ask.
"It's not. You're not supposed to see."
Then the truth sets in as you gasp:
A ghost is in your arms tonight.
"Dance with me for one last time."
And you clasp my hand tight.

"I could haunt this room forever,"
I softly sing as we dance together.

Spinning around above your floor.
We're floating and laughing and kissing.
You're not saying anything anymore,
But I want you to know I'm listening.

Float back down to say goodbye.
"I wish love could make us both alive."
"I'll never forget you, I'll never forgive you."
"Just know I never meant to hurt you."

Untitled - II

You were the part of this jungle full of coward crowd,
Who happened to come accidentally in this place of mine,
Full of darkness and ignorance.

Go,
Go again, In the same jungle.
Get lost somewhere, In this crowd, With the crowd.

And let me get lost in this world of mine,
Full of darkness and ignorance.

drowning into ashes

The memories of my past
Lay singed on the ground
The ashes scattered everywhere
My scars burn with the fire
The flames of my rage
I fall into the deep pit of ashes
They suffocate me
Leaving a bitter taste on my lips
And black soot marks my body
I'm drowning in these ashes
The ashes of my past
Kicking
Screaming
Thrashing
I see the ghosts that haunt me
The burdens that crush
The regrets that mock me
My previous life flashes before me
This horrid images returning
Fighting
Arguing
Yelling
I remember crying in the corner
Feeling so alone and hating every second
Memories so vivid in my mind
Those I tried to forget
Tried to block out for so long
I tremble in fear and pain
As the ashes overtake me
Reminding me of everything
Everything I hated.

Imaginary Friends, Imaginary conversations - II

I'm standing in a huge, gaping black void. There's feature to this place. But I know it; I have been here before. Yet at the same time, I do no know it. It feels familiar but I don't know where I am.

"What is this place?" I breathe. From seemingly no where emerges She.

"This," she replies, in that voice that chills me every time I hear it. "This is a place on the fringe of dream and reality. The meeting point between the two."

"Then why is it so dark? So empty?" I ask, confused. My eyes meet Hers.

"Sometimes we cannot tell what is real and what is dream."

"What exactly are dreams ?"

"A dream is an alternative reality, a fantasy that you create to get away form the truth. From your reality."

"Then what is reality? How can we know what&'s real and what's not? How do we know when we are dreaming? How can we prove reality?"

"You can't. Reality is a mystery, it is unknown."

"If we cannot prove what is real, if we don't know when we are dreaming, then how do we know we are alive. How do we know that we exist? If we can't prove reality, neither can we prove our existence. How do I know I am real?"

"I don't have the answer. But you are thinking, you are speaking. Is that not proof?"

"Maybe. Maybe, but how can be sure that these hands, this body are me? I could simply be a floating being with no form. If a dream is a reality I create, couldn't I dream this being, this world I live in?"

"Possibly."

"But this world has so much fear, so much pain in it. I have suffered so much hurt, so much pain. Why would a create a world like this?"

"If this form you take is not really you, and you have dreamed this world, then you would have to create it that way to make yourself believe you exist. If you felt pain, surely then you must be real. It would be an act to fool yourself."

"What about all the other people? Every other being. They all thin for themselves. Surely that is proof."

"It could be. But if you can create pain, then you must be able to create other people. It is merely like writing a story."

"But they can think for themselves. They have thoughts and emotions. They have free will."

"How can you prove that? Can you prove they truly think for themselves?"

"I... I can't. Maybe I created them, maybe I am a creation myself."

"Is that not the basis of most religion? Humans are creations."

"Then if I was created by God, am I real or not? Or have I created God and this theory of religion in an attempt to prove, to justify my existence? Am I real? Surely if I wasn't real, I couldn't be speaking, nor could I be thinking. I'm confused."

"You mentioned God. I didn't know you believed in a God."

"I suppose I do. But I'm human; I need knowledge before I follow something. I cannot be satisfied with not knowing. We were never meant to understand, but when Eve was tempted we gained knowledge and began to crave knowledge and understanding. I'm human to. I follow human urges. I have to survive, to eat and to gain knowledge. It's sort of like a human flaw, like greed or violence."

"Does being human mean you exist?"

"I don't know. If I can dream pain and other people then how can I prove it? I just don't understand."

"You said it yourself," murmurs She. "You were not meant to have understanding. You are not meant to understand."

Mathura nagarpati*

Subaha subaha ka khyaal aaj / Early in the morning the thought arose

Wapas gokul chal mathura raaj / to go back to Gokul, in the king of Mathura’s mind

Mathura nagarpati kaahe tum gokul jaaon? / Oh lord of Mathura why are you going to Gokul?

Manohar vesh chhod nand raaj / Leaving this beautiful attire oh son of Nanda

Sar se utaarke sundar taaj / Removing the beautiful crown from your head

Raj dand chhod bhumi par vaaj / Giving up ruling this world

Phir kaahe baansuri bajaao? / Why are you playing the flute again?

Mathura nagarpati kaahe tum gokul jaao / Oh lord of Mathura why are you going to Gokul?

Kaun sa anokha geet gaye pee kakool / What unique song did the cuckoo sing

Raj paat jaise aaj bhai dhool? / That made you leave the throne like so much dirt?

Kaun sa anokha geet gaaye pee kakool / What unique song did the cuckoo sing

Birhan laage phir hridaya akool / That the pangs of separation are stirred anew?

Raj kaaj man na lagaao / The heart is no longer in kingly matters

Mathura nagarpati kkahe tum Gokul jaao? / Oh lord of Mathura why are you going to Gokul?

Poor naari saari vyakul nayan / Men and women watched with anxious eyes

Kusum sajaa lage kantak shayan / The flowers strewn on the bed felt like thorns

Poor naari saari vyakul nayan / Men and women watched with anxious eyes

Raat bhar madhav jaagat bechain / As Maadhav stayed awake the whole restless night

Kaahe aadhi raat saarathi bulaayo? / Why did he call the charioteer in the middle of the night?

Mathura nagarpati?../

Dheere dheere pahunchat jamuna ke teer / Slowly he reached the shores of the Jamuna

Sunsaan panghat mridul sameer / Lonely banks, soft breeze

Dheere dheere pahunchat jamuna ke teer / Slowly he reached the shores of the Jamuna

Khan khan madhav birha madeer / Madhav felt the bittersweet pangs

Use kaahe bhool na paao / Why can’t you forget her?

Mathura nagarpati?.

Tumhari piriya ab puri gharvaali / Your love is now a complete housewife

Doodh navan ghivoo din bhar khaali / Getting new milk and busy the whole day

Biraha ke aansoon kab ke, ho kab ke ponch daali / The tears of separation have long since been wiped away

Phir kaahe dard jagaao? / Then why awaken the pain again?

Mathura nagarpati kaahe tum Gokul jaao? / Oh lord of Mathura why are you going to Gokul?


* \Gulzar/

guess title from prose - III

I wake up.

Rolling to hit the alarm clock, I belated notice something not-quite-right about it. I rub my eyes, and look again - no. No, it is certainly not my clock, and certainly not my bed. I think back: did I end up going to that lakeside on campus I so wanted to go to last night? Am I suffering from alcohol-induced amnesia? Hmm... I inspect myself and my surroundings. Nah, I'm fine, or at least, I think everything is fine. You know, come to think about it, this looks like one of the homes my friends have house-sited before. Not really giving it a second thought, cobwebs of sleep still clinging thick to my brain, I go downstairs.

... I don't remember much of what happened that day, at least not with any clarity. I do, however, remember that what I can recall, there was something definitely not-quite-right about it all. The house was large - tall, rather, three floors - and quite nice. They had a basement - I always wanted a basement! There was something about being able to go downstairs, and just enter your own little world and hang out... Anyways, so they had a basement, and a nice patio going outside to a small yard with green lawns and pretty shrubs and flowers. Their living room had dark leather furniture and was set in a small shallow, with two steps leading down from the hall and kitchen. A long partition separated the living room from the hallway, and a bar opened to the kitchen from which one could overlook the room. And there were stairs there. A stair case, with a metal banister that descended into the basement.

All the stairs spiraled. I only ever remember going down them...

I think we got drunk, my friends and I. I don't recall all their faces, but we must've gotten drunk - someone, someone, was making fancy drinks, and god knows they're tasty. I swear I didn't know all of them, yet there was that feeling that I knew them, or should know them, and I wasn't thinking clearly at the time, so it was hardly more than a side note.

I remember food - there is a black barbecue sitting outside, and it is open, and skewers of vegetables and patties of meat are giving off curls of Grey smoke. I also remember water. There are sounds coming from the kitchen: someone - a girl - splashes another playfully with water from the sink. Pretending to be appalled, the guy runs to the nearby patio and fetches - oh my god - the hose. He lugs the hose into the doorway, releasing a stream of water right on target. She shrieks, and before I know it, everyone has some sort of weapon of mass watery destruction - it seems there is a small stockpile of water guns outside left over from summer. Well, it's not my living room, and it's not my house-sitting house, and heck, I don't even know the people, but hey, it was a bandwagon and so, not thinking, I jump aboard, grabbing one of those big double-tanked pump-powered water rifles and start pumping away.

If you've ever played laser tag with me, you might know I'm... not-so-hot at it, so I retreat from the living room and duck behind the wall. Not being the most observant puppy in the world, I get a nice squirt in the back from one of my friends, who had also gotten the same idea and ducked behind the wall. I recognize this guy's face and promptly fill it with water in a well-aimed (Wow! That's amazing for me!) shot. He splutters and looks annoyed, and while he's trying to wipe the water from his glasses, I run for the kitchen and crouch in the corner by the cupboards (they were wood, I remember - orangish red wood, and the grain was vertical). Filled with alcohol, no doubt, and adrenaline, I suppress a pleased giggle and think myself quite clever. I pop my head out from behind the bar, hoping to find some unsuspecting targets to snipe, but it seems my little encounter behind the wall and my brief pause in the kitchen was time enough for my friends to largely disappear down into the basement.

Hey, no, wait! Wait for me!

I call to them, and run down into the living room - I have a bad habit of getting left behind (or is it leaving myself behind?) and I don't want it to happen this time, not when something so outrageously insane is happening. I leap down the stairs, and find myself in darkness - isn't there a light someplace? I stumble a little and land in a crouch, more or less; thankfully, the carpet was soft. Where is everyone? Oh god, I think, are they all going to jump me when I turn the corner and get to the bottom? I clumsily grope my way down the stairs, spiraling in a tight squarish sort of way. It is very dark, and I can't see much more than ghostly outlines. I reach the bottom, and cannot see much of anything. However, what I can see makes me think: I'm sure it didn't look like this before... Was there a before? I can't remember...

Well, it didn't seem to matter much at the time, but as I walked down a short hallway, lit very pale with a distant and diffuse light, I am suddenly reminded of something: with a snort and chuckle, I wonder if there will be a bright light at the end of the tunnel. But a lot of humor was lost when, reaching the end, I find myself at a wall. Cluttered. Junk. Junk in abundance. It is all stacked or shoved in a tall array of shelves and metal framework - odd. And no one is here. No one is here! It feels sort of like standing in a closet - in fact, it feels so much like I was standing in a closet that I take a look behind me, just to make sure some sort of weird door hadn't close shut on me, but all I see is the grey shroud of the hallway receding into darkness. Feeling a little frightened and more than concerned, I call to my friends again.

Where is everyone? Where have you gone? Where are you?

Please, wait for me!

I hear voices - soft, distant, somewhere above me... I look up. Above, where the ceiling should have been, the stack of junk against the wall rises higher than I can see. I should have been able to see someone, but there is no one. Am I blind? They call down to me.

Come on!

Their voices are excited, as if they had discovered some sort of wonder at the top. I look around, and find that the discarded pieces of furniture, old boxes, and metal frames of bicycles had been arranged in something that looks possibly climbable. I feel dismay, for I am not as fast or as strong as the others. Why do they always do this?

Please, wait for me!

I mount the clutter, hoping it will not all fall back on me, but the framework seems sturdy. It holds. I climb, finding my way up, clinging to the metal frames that seemed to be supporting everything. The voices come to me again. They are excited, and filled with awe and thrill. What am I missing out on? What will I find? Tell me! But I cannot hear their words, and I feel that, even if they could hear me, they would not listen, for whatever they found was far more interesting.

I climb faster, and see passing shadows above me. Hey! I am just below you - I can see you! Wait! I look over, and through cracks in the wall, I see a bright room. Light filters through in ribbons into my comparatively dark shaft I was ascending, and I see their feet passing by, and the golden paws of a dog I know I know (what was she doing here?). I struggle to reach the top, and surge upwards in the desire to know and share in that knowledge - in the fear of being left behind.

Suddenly, the shaft opens as if into broad daylight, but it was not natural light. There are rooms, enormous rooms, impossibly large for the house, in fact, and these rooms had not been here before. I know now that where I stand is impossible, but the fact does not entirely sink in, so strange are my surroundings.

Rows of monitors. Screens. Dozens and dozens of them, all around the edges, and filling the center in neat rows. I look behind me, past the shaft that opened ridiculously in the middle of the floor, and see that the room extended into many other rooms, all with screens. Hundreds of screens.

The screens are flashing things, showing streams of images. Some of them look real, and others do not, but many of them seem familiar. Had I seen these images before? There are many people hunched over the screens, watching, or busy at work. I am reminded of a great art studio, greater and larger and vaster than any I had seen on television or in real life before. Maybe it is more like a film production room or something. A control room. I don't know.

The fluorescent lights buzz softly. The light from their many rows, and from the monitors, make my eyes hurt. Too bright.

I walk over to one of the artists (that is how I think of them now - artists orchestrating something, creating it, guiding its evolution) and ask what is going on. What are these monitors? He swivels in his chair and looks at me with a friendly smile.

Here, I may see what I wish to see - a portal to my mind, but not just my own, but others, too. Anything and everything exists, and here they are all connected. I look at the nearest monitor, and I see figures there - I'm not sure if I recognize them. A stranger, whose life I shall never know, or perhaps it is my own self I am seeing, but simply through different eyes.

I wake up then. Blinding light, and the high-pitched sound of a monitor screaming.

Looking around, I know that the world around me is not the one I was just in, and not the one I was so sure I knew. I have this feeling of absolute certainty that I had just been dead, and had just risen awake and alive in a world infinitely more realistic than the one I had just left.

I realize belatedly that familiar faces smile at me, and a small boy, fair faced, with blue eyes and scruffy brown hair, is jumping up and down and calling excitedly at me. Not knowing who the boy is, but finding him strangely familiar and smiling at his exuberance, I sit up (I hadn't realized I was lying down) and look around. I had been lying in a glass creche, padded with soft cushions - there were displays and picture glittering in the opened cover of it, like designs that had been sandblasted into it, except these move. I feel as if I had entered some sort of science fiction movie - around me was a vast environment, and there were thousands of other glass couches just like mine, all in a vast ring. Many were empty. I could see that the ceiling, impossibly high and domed and perfectly smooth, was glass. Beyond I could see blue sky, a wonderful pale blue, and thin wisps of white cirrocumulus.

The boy tugs at my sleeve for my attention again (I think I am dressed in all white - the fabric is very soft, and almost seems to shine in the brightness of this world), and pulls me up and away. Leading me by the hand, we leave the ring of creches and I find myself running through a great beach of bright sand. That wonderful fine sand that you can feel soft and warm between your bare toes, that beckons you to sit and play in it, or to lie back and feel its warmth. I can see that blue waves - bluer than any water you see elsewhere, save for the most beautiful of beaches - gently washing up on the sand. There are many people - children, and adults dressed like myself - playing in the surf, but we do not join them. Holding my hand, the boy laughs and smiles and takes me further, and we leave the beach behind. Suddenly I notice that the sand beneath my feet has disappeared, and is replaced with the cool feather-touch of grass. Very green - the colours there are brilliant and bright and very pure, everywhere. I lower my other hand and run my hand through the tussocks that spring up in places, just to feel them and know that they are real. I can smell them, the grassy fields, but something richer and more exotic is in their scent. The boy stops, and points into the distance.

There are dinosaurs. Great saurian creatures with pebbled skin that rippled as they walk beneath towering trees with layered canopies. Other wonderful beasts, long-tailed birds with purple markings, and predators with thick manes and a long wolfish snout, snuggle toothed, with two distinct pairs of ornamental bone erupting from its sleek sides - I know it does not exist in any history book, yet I know its sight with absolute certainty.

Then I look closer, and see forms running through the grass. Bipedal saurian creatures, with powerful legs and a long tail to balance. They bear crests of spines and some, the males, have a pair of horns that curved to frame their long tapered snout. One, a large male, breaks off from the rest and approached - it bears great claws on it feet and has great grasping paws with long fingers, but I am not afraid, for I know this one. He stops before me, and snorts softly, bobbing. I reach out and stroke him - his warm, pebbled skin is black with bold red/magenta markings, as I remembered, but I find he also has a dark golden cream underside that merged with the black in tiger-stripe streaks, and he is more beautiful than I had imagined before. Even now, I cannot think that I should ever faithfully replicate what I saw. A sudden giggle escapes - I am seeing something, and touching it, and I knowing that it is real.

Can you see it all? You know this place, your mind's place - what do you see?

I look to the boy that had brought me, but instead I find a young man I know very well, and suddenly realize that he had been the artist I had spoken to earlier. I look, and see another, and another, and an older man with bright eyes - I know them.

I know I know them.

I wake up.

I wake up, and I wonder if I have only just entered another dream, another reality as convincingly real as the last, but find myself disappointed... but I wonder. What is more real: this place I inhabit now, and live in day to day, or the other places I see, the people I know and love and yet have never truly met? What lies beyond the glass, the mirror of our eyes, in some secret room or world beyond worlds, that we simply cannot see yet, or can catch only glimpses of when we are asleep but more aware than we may ever be in waking life? What is there, calling with distant voices, always moving and driving us forward into that which we do not know?

Please, wait for me!



PS : I read script of 'waking life' again. here is the link

http://waking-life.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_archive.html#108144911522499691